...APPROVED & ACCEPTED
We did it...we jumped off the cliff, free falling into something so new and so different than anything we had ever planned. Hitting the rocks along the way and trying to grab a limb to stop the fall, there were moments that we thought about backing out of the process. So many unknowns, so many risks. Were we ready for this? In some ways it was no different than carrying a baby for 9 months unknowing of what complications could arise along the way. After the classes, home studies, background checks, followup visits from social workers, house completely child proofed, and the life book created...taking a total of about 4 months...we were approved on paper (lots of paper) to be "model parents" and accepted into the central database through the state to a adopt a child anywhere from birth to 2 years old. Now, we wait. How long will it be? no one could say. Can we prep the room? to a certain point, but the needs of a baby and a 2 yr. old are very different. So, we wait. How many more Mother's Days would I quietly stay home and spend a melancholy day therapeutically planting all of my flowers because it was just too painful to not be a "mom". There simply just is no way to fake it when the pain runs so deep so I stopped trying and gave that day to myself in the beauty of nurturing and growing my outdoor plants.
...TEARS INTO JOY
9 months after we had been officially entered into the system to adopt we we got the call that there would be a meeting to decide which couple out of three would become the parents of a 6 month old baby girl. We would have to wait a week to find out. The longest week of my life!
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Finally, the call came...we were chosen! In 5 days we would drive to meet our baby girl. It's a day Brett and I will never forget. She was in the care of a wonderful foster family who had her since birth and doted on her every need, loving her unconditionally and without reserve. We arrived and walked into the room where she slept, she had just woken up from her nap. Spending just a couple of short hours with her, the family checked us out and asked questions. We left and drove back home in a somewhat euphoric state. On the radio, airing for the first time ever, played the new release, "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle. We cried and that song has been our favorite ever since.
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We were told by our advocate that it would be another week before she would come to live with us. But, another call would come shortly after our visit telling us that the foster family felt so comfortable with us that they were ready to bring her to us earlier than planned. May 6th, 1997 is a special day that we celebrate each year along with her birthday and official adoption day. Our daughter arrived on our front doorstep at 11:20 a.m. on a Tuesday with only a blue bin filled with all of her belongings. You see, there was a momma in that foster home who intuitively knew how much it would mean to me to celebrate the upcoming Mother's Day with a baby in my arms. God knew and replaced my tears with joy.
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Everything happened so quickly. My parents came to meet their first grandchild. Brett took a few days off from his job to cover our new business as there would be no maternity leave. I spent some time creating a new routine that would include taking her and everything she would need with me while resuming my position in our business, 10 hours a day/7 days a week. Nothing had quite prepared me for that scenario but, I trusted that God believed I could handle it and He would help me.
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Our little girl cried her heart out the first day she arrived. Her whole world as she knew it for the first six months of her life was forever changed and none no more. The tears only lasted for that day, she awoke the next morning all smiles as if she had always been with us. Exhausting herself the day before, she didn't even want to nap on day 2. And that is the cheerful disposition she kept from that day forward. It was a very Happy Mother's Day. I don't think I even had a chance to plant flowers that year.
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...THE PUZZLE IN THE PAIN
Looking back at the timeline, the puzzle in the midst of the pain...Our daughter would have been conceived on my birthday in January 1996. Watched over and planned for by our Heavenly Father. He hand picked the perfect gift for me. He knew she would need to be rescued from the situation that surrounded her beginning. While we were grappling with the notion of adoption and moving through the process by faith, not knowing if anything would ever come of it, He would continue to bring people into her world that would be ready to give her every opportunity to survive and thrive.
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We had the brief opportunity to see her biological case file and pictures of her birth parents prior to meeting her. She looks nothing like them, in fact, her baby pictures are the perfect combination of Brett and me. She has his nose, the same tow-head blonde hair as we did, my blue eyes, and my blood type. Truly, "there is never nothing going on"!
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Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows...You have collected all my tears in a bottle.
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Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick: but when the desire comes it is a tree of life.
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Psalm 37:23 The Lord directs the steps of the godly...He delights in every detail of their lives.