The Journey
...LIFE AS WE KNEW IT
We moved through life finding our own groove and working through establishing our own pulse as a family. There were job related moves that took us from KC to Wisconsin to Tulsa to St. Louis and back to KC. Giving us the opportunity to build relationships with family and friends along the way. I started homeschooling C at the age of five and tried my best to fill her life with as much academic richness and exciting field trips as possible. We had some fun little adventures. She was a very outgoing and social child. Shortly after she turned one year old I would hear that my sister had her first ectopic pregnancy and during surgery they found endometriosis. In my own research I discovered that there was a high probability that I had it as well. The laparoscopy that I had been avoiding coupled with the continual infertility issue led me to initiate having the procedure done. I awoke from surgery to hear that I had Stage 4 Endometriosis. They eradicated as much of it as possible and explained that the only way I would get pregnant would be via in-vitro and to do it as soon as possible before the endometriosis came back, which it most definitely would do. In-Vitro, was clearly not an option financially, as that endeavor costs thousands of dollars and we were getting ready to make a move to Wisconsin for a promotion Brett had taken.
Well, I finally had my answer. Not one I anticipated.
...THE Y2K DRUG
Shortly after moving to Wisconsin I decided to call Brett's insurance company to see if there were any benefits that covered in-vitro. Low and behold, there were. They covered it 100%, especially with the recent diagnosis I had been given. Was this my chance to have a baby? It involved a series of shots and medications that were so foreign to my body and my mind. Could I do this? 100% covered, is unheard of. I'd be a fool not to try? Right?
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I found a doctor and I was set. The first series of shots would begin on January 1, 2000. When the world was prepping for Y2K, certain the lights would go out and the sky would fall, I was giving myself my first shot to the abdomen. Multiple eggs were retrieved from my ovaries. The first implantation failed. There were eggs leftover for a second try. In the Spring, try #2 implanted and held for only a couple of days and then failed. The insurance would pay for 3 tries and then I was on my own to pay. In late Summer I gave it one last try. Only enough eggs were produced for that try with none left over, which was a good way to bookend the whole experience if it didn't work. During one of the many ultrasounds a small fibroid tumor was discovered in my uterus, nothing of major concern at the time, but would need to be closely watched if I did get pregnant. Try #3 failed. I was done and I was spent. Bless my dear sweet Brett, the roller coaster effect of the hormone shots left a trail of emotional debris that was overwhelming to say the least.
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After that we inquired about adopting again and found it to be much more difficult and very costly. We let it go and left it to God. If we were meant to have more kids it would happen naturally.
A TWIST TO THE STORY
Being with your child 24/7 and solely responsible for their education can be a daunting task. Things were going relatively well with a couple inconsistencies beginning to show up around the age of 10. Because she was an only child it was always important for me to have her plugged into social activities like homeschool co-op, gymnastics, Awana. Social settings always gave me unique insight into her relational skills. Academically we were struggling with reading, writing and spelling. Over the course of the next 4 years we were at a stand still with schooling and our relationship as mother and daughter was becoming strained.
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A year and a half interlude at a Christian Montessori school gave me more insight into the unique behaviors C was exhibiting. Many "aha" moments gave way as I had the chance to observe other children and their different learning styles.
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Again, we ended up at a stand still academically and the 50 minute one way, 2 roundtrip drive per day began to become futile in my mind and costly.
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I was at the end of my rope and feeling hopeless once again. Never was I so sick of hearing, "don't worry, she'll grow out of it". The tape recorder of life had been on pause for too long and nobody knew the hell I was living in.
... A SLIPPERY SLOPE
January 2010 hit hard. A slippery slope into a dark place. Brett was working out of town during the week and could see he was losing me to an all familiar place he had seen before. He made a connection with an adoption specialist at Focus On the Family and within a few short minutes a three way phone call would be the lifeline confirming that I wasn't overdramatizing my anguish.
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First, have C tested with a psychologist to determine one of 2 possible scenarios. I had nothing left in me to walk through the process. Brett took over, found a doctor and took C to the appointment.
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The 8 page diagnosis came 2 weeks later. We opened the envelope and began to read the answers to most of our questions. Feeling stunned and relieved at the same time is quite an odd feeling. Now what? what do we do with this information?
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All those moments that well intentioned people around us would tell me I was not being consistent with my discipline and parenting skills. Making assumptions based on behaviors that were out of our control. Nobody was harder on me than myself. And oh the regret I felt at that moment, after reading the details of the diagnosis, for all the times I had lost my patience in the process of trying to correct a behavior that didn't meet someone else's standard or my own.