The Journey
...3 STRIKES
Processing the new information came along with a recommendation to go to family counseling. We did, and also took some necessary alone time, just the two of us, which became very clear to the counselor that we had not done for a very long time if ever. I was also introduced to an equine therapy ranch...what was meant to be an experience to help C ended up being more for me.
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Steps needed to be taken to get C set up in the public school and positioned with an IEP. All new territory for me and a path I never imagined I'd be on. The counselor also told us that we needed to be aware that C's diagnosis was likely hereditary and that she would have a 50% chance of passing it on to her children should she ever come close to that moment in her life. Further recommendation suggested that she be prevented from having children for that reason.
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Taking a short sale on the house, we needed to get moved to Branson in the next few months to link up with where Brett was working. School interviews and testing were finished by May and transferred to the new school district.
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In the midst of all of the new information, my body was also making a dramatic change. The fibroid tumor detected 10 years prior had been steadily growing. Despite all of the natural measures I had taken, nothing stopped the snowball from heading down the hill. Saturday, May 8th, 2010 I would drive down to Branson to meet Brett for a family event. Sunday, May 9th, I would end up in the ER in Springfield after hemorrhaging for almost 3 days. The situation had spiraled out of control and I was finally ready to let go of the dream. I was taken up to the women's care floor at the hospital, which was also the maternity floor. Passing mothers on the elevator going home with their newborn babies as I was being tanked up with 3 units of blood to have surgery to remove everything that I held on to so dearly. Everything I associated with my womanhood and future generations.
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365 days of the year and I would end up in the ER on Mother's Day.
The doctor came in after the surgery completely in shock that I had waited so long and had experienced no pain. "Why did you wait?" ...all I could say was that I was still holding out hope to have a baby. He would then tell me that if I had gotten pregnant the fibroid tumor would have accelerated in growth and I could have lost my life as well as the baby's.
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It was done...no more wondering every month if this could be it. I had peace and it was time to move on. Every hope I had for our daughter quickly changed. If I couldn't have a baby then I would be the best grandmother ever, that also quickly changed. One last tearful Mother's Day would be the final chapter of generations that came from within me. Although it would take a while to settle in to this new acceptance I was grateful that all three of us were strong and healthy and there was nothing terminal to keep us from living life.
...FINISH LINE IN SIGHT
We settled to Branson and I navigated my way through the IEP system at school. For 6 years C was surrounded by angels. Teachers that I know were perfectly positioned by God to watch over her and be her advocate. It took quite a bit of adjustment on my part to let go and find my place in life. I'm grateful for the people who poured into me and patiently heard my heart and voice. I truly wouldn't be where I'm at today if it were not for their enduring hearts for my well being.
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I jumped through every hoop that was recommended to me over the course of 6 years, seeking to position C with every opportunity possible to help her succeed. God met us in everything...many times she was swiftly moved to the front of the line for certain benefits that should have taken months. Simply a sweet kiss from up above and a gentle reminder that she belongs to Him and He's got this. "Success", still had a very different meaning to me and I'm learning daily how to love my child unconditionally. It's not easy and I fail every single day. God is teaching me that it is not as much the importance of being able to display or brag about my child's accomplishments as it is to know, accept and love her for who she is. This is not a perfect walk for me and my heart still hurts sometimes even to this day. Often times I catch myself withholding love and affection towards C because of disappointment. Trust me, I've had very open dialogue with the Lord about ALL of my feelings! He knows my faults and counts none of them against me.
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My personal finish line...Graduation Day, May 13, 2016. We made it! She graduated with honors and she did it her way, on her own learning curve, and I was as proud as could be to be her mom. Life is still a blank canvas and I have my moments of not understanding what to do next. But right now, loving and accepting her as God loves and sees her is more than enough for me to focus on.
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I love that I was able to capture this look on her face. Trying to find her in the crowd using the telephoto lens on my camera, I found her looking for us...we locked eyes and my whole heart smiled. Priceless and worth more than words could ever say.
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I love you my sweet and precious gift. God knew that I would need you and you would need me. Daddy is a priceless balance between us and oh how God knew we would need him!